The last week has seen my emotions spiral out of control and I am truly afraid that I might never return to a normal range of feelings. I had a full-blown depressive episode in public on Friday evening, a second one last night at home, alongside what I would call a “numb” episode on Sunday (imagine talking to a brick wall, where your words aren’t heard and there is no emotional response to them) and a minor panic attack on Monday morning. For all the positives that are occurring for me cognitively and the hurdles I’m clearing to return to a productive existence (getting into individual therapy, getting back to work, my curling blog), they are being outweighed for me by the roller coaster going on in my spirit and soul. The depression and anxiety that are replacing the anger and mental churn/rumination scare me, because they debilitate me rather than motivate me or spur me forward. I feel as though these episodes (starting with the two at the beginning of November that put me into the hospital) have changed my brain chemistry so that future ones come on quicker and with less “stress” and I am less capable to respond to them. Is this possible? I’ll start one-on-one therapy at the end of January (earliest appointment I could get with someone who specializes in Cluster B personality disorders) and have an appointment in two weeks to see if I should/wish to start medication. If I happen to see you over the holidays, and I don’t seem right, know that you’re correct, that I am not right at the present time. I may get back to “right” at some point, I may not. Love me, care about me, and help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the repaired Scott instead of the one sitting broken in the shop.
This is my first “personal” post on the new site. I said in my introduction that this blog would be a place for me to dump thoughts on various things that aren’t apropos for my other social media platforms. With that, here we go.
The last eight months or so have been a whirlwind of struggles and trials, most of which I don’t disclose to anyone. Between my personal illnesses (sinus infection that took me out of work for two weeks during 4th quarter, neurological testing for a congenital disease, my expanding waistline), my father-in-law’s passing, and the stresses of juggling a day job that pays the bills and a night passion which consumes almost every other minute and thought, I have come close to mentally wiping out on several occasions. The last few days, however, have hit me in a way that I hadn’t expected (the main triggers being the forced postponement of our home opener on Sunday because the opponent couldn’t field a team and the funeral of my childhood best friend’s mother on Monday), and I can no longer deny that I need a break of some sort from the hamster wheel in order to take care of myself and get back to some level of peaceful stability. Therefore, once the 2015 Women’s Premier League season is over and the post-season work is put to bed, I will be stepping away from the day-to-day operation of Milwaukee United Soccer Club for a while. The work still needs to get done (scouting players for 2016, fundraising, growing the organization), but this means others associated with the club will need to step in and handle things. I plan to take a vacation sometime during that break, to a place with things to do but no one to see (KC, Columbus, Indy, Des Moines, etc.). I plan to do better with self-care as well. I hope that I will move away from perpetual defensiveness when things aren’t perfect or circumstances outside of my control cause less-than-desirable results. I beat myself up a lot, believing that I will be blamed for any bad thing that happens to those around me, even if I have nothing to do with it, or accused of “not doing enough”, whatever the situation. I will piece together whatever I need to do with the day job to provide for myself while also having the respite my soul requires.
With that off my chest, I wonder what the rest of the day will have in store for me. Hit me up on Twitter, Facebook, or through the comments here if you have tips, suggestions, or a kind word.