The last week has seen my emotions spiral out of control and I am truly afraid that I might never return to a normal range of feelings. I had a full-blown depressive episode in public on Friday evening, a second one last night at home, alongside what I would call a “numb” episode on Sunday (imagine talking to a brick wall, where your words aren’t heard and there is no emotional response to them) and a minor panic attack on Monday morning. For all the positives that are occurring for me cognitively and the hurdles I’m clearing to return to a productive existence (getting into individual therapy, getting back to work, my curling blog), they are being outweighed for me by the roller coaster going on in my spirit and soul. The depression and anxiety that are replacing the anger and mental churn/rumination scare me, because they debilitate me rather than motivate me or spur me forward. I feel as though these episodes (starting with the two at the beginning of November that put me into the hospital) have changed my brain chemistry so that future ones come on quicker and with less “stress” and I am less capable to respond to them. Is this possible? I’ll start one-on-one therapy at the end of January (earliest appointment I could get with someone who specializes in Cluster B personality disorders) and have an appointment in two weeks to see if I should/wish to start medication. If I happen to see you over the holidays, and I don’t seem right, know that you’re correct, that I am not right at the present time. I may get back to “right” at some point, I may not. Love me, care about me, and help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the repaired Scott instead of the one sitting broken in the shop.