I Am Busted

The last week has seen my emotions spiral out of control and I am truly afraid that I might never return to a normal range of feelings. I had a full-blown depressive episode in public on Friday evening, a second one last night at home, alongside what I would call a “numb” episode on Sunday (imagine talking to a brick wall, where your words aren’t heard and there is no emotional response to them) and a minor panic attack on Monday morning. For all the positives that are occurring for me cognitively and the hurdles I’m clearing to return to a productive existence (getting into individual therapy, getting back to work, my curling blog), they are being outweighed for me by the roller coaster going on in my spirit and soul. The depression and anxiety that are replacing the anger and mental churn/rumination scare me, because they debilitate me rather than motivate me or spur me forward. I feel as though these episodes (starting with the two at the beginning of November that put me into the hospital) have changed my brain chemistry so that future ones come on quicker and with less “stress” and I am less capable to respond to them. Is this possible? I’ll start one-on-one therapy at the end of January (earliest appointment I could get with someone who specializes in Cluster B personality disorders) and have an appointment in two weeks to see if I should/wish to start medication. If I happen to see you over the holidays, and I don’t seem right, know that you’re correct, that I am not right at the present time. I may get back to “right” at some point, I may not. Love me, care about me, and help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the repaired Scott instead of the one sitting broken in the shop.


6 thoughts on “I Am Busted

  1. Try not to be so hard on yourself, “normal” and “right” may never be the same for you, but you will find a place where you are comfortable. I can only speak from my experience, so I understand it may not match yours so far, I just want to give you some encouragement. If medication seems like an option for you, use it. Screw any stigma attached to it by anyone, it ‘s your well-being not theirs. There will likely be some side effects, but I’ve found them minor to the good that they’ve done for me. And don’t be discouraged if the first one you try doesn’t work, each of us is different and you have to find the one that works for you. I hope that you can make it through the holiday season without feeling pressure from the outside to be “on”. Do what you can and don’t apologize for what you can’t. You are a good man, deserving of kindness and compassion from the world, don’t let your trials convince you otherwise. I wish you as many moments of peace as you can find during the holiday season..and every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Diane! I am familiar with the trial-and-error that will come should I start medication from what I’ve seen with others and heard from my therapists over the past few weeks. When the emotions are settled, I am sharp as a tack. When they aren’t, it’s another story.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am better than I was last Thursday. Sunday was hard as I had a bit of an episode at my sister’s following the gift exchange, but some thought and re-framing later in the evening brought me out of that funk. Sleep has been a bit off the last couple of days. I return to work tomorrow for the first time in close to two months and will be at a new store, so there is a bit of anxiety attached to that.


      • It sounds like you had a lot going on. A new job at a new store is always anxiety-producing, and the holidays can be very stressful. Did you work it out with your sister?


  2. It wasn’t an issue with her, it was me in my own head getting depressed over things (always into comparisons and feeling as though my self-worth comes from outward appreciation…classic, no?). Had to think through it all and came to the conclusion that even if others have the best of intentions, I can still get hurt/disappointed because of what my own mind is telling me, and that most of her now-blended family don’t know me that well so could have been guessing what I might be into.

    Liked by 1 person

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