I went back through my postings from the past several months to assess where I am and what has happened since I hit my proverbial wall last summer (which I kept hitting up against through September), the one which led me first to the sabbatical from Milwaukee United Soccer Club and ultimately to the decision to end it. With a few months’ hindsight and some analysis of what has transpired during this “season of change” for me, here is the deal:
- I made the right decisions all along. Stepping away temporarily forced me to assess the real strength of the organization, which was proven rather quickly to be only as capable as my own efforts could make it. Counting on others to care as much about the mission, the goals, the objectives, and the work as I did was futile, and I had to run the risk of it going belly-up in order to separate my life from the life of this “thing” that had come to consume it. In the end, my desire to change my corner of the women’s soccer world for the better couldn’t match up with the level of in-the-dirt grind that was needed and, with no ability to rally troops to the charge, I had to admit my own failures and walk away.
- Sometimes, boredom is your friend. With nothing in place to fill in the time I spent on club activities, I allowed myself to get bored, to be fidgety, and to be OK with not satisfying those feelings with a quick fix of new commitments. I investigated opportunities for my next chapter, but found (and still find in some respects) that it wasn’t the right time or place to get involved. Resorting to a life of just the day job kept me free to pursue something if I wanted should the right circumstances come about, but didn’t require me to jump into a new project for the sake of “having something to do”. I’m not good at saying no to things, but I am quite good at letting space and time do it for me, and that’s what I have done for the most part.
- When you leave space for the Spirit to move, it will. By taking my time to rest and be unplugged from things, I was able to rejuvenate myself and my energy and critically assess what my next chapter would be. My sports fandom came back in some ways (and waned in others) and I came to find where I am heading through leaned-in detachment. I could like something and be engaged in it without having any skin on the line in the ultimate outcome. I could grow in my knowledge without being on a pre-determined path of acquisition or accomplishment. I could step into the fray when I felt I could (or wanted to) contribute and just sit back when I didn’t.
My next post will be on this new path and some tentative plans for moving along it.